“It is not that he does not care for or need her; it is that he cannot deal with the fear of losing her.”

Sue Johnson is known for being the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which is heavily based on John Bowlby and Mary Ainworth’s Attachment Theory. This book is in a format where it goes through different therapy sessions that Sue has with couples that display attachment wounds. She does this while using hurts and solutions to essential conversations that help us understand ourselves and our partners more. One thing I love about her approach is that she embraces our insecure attachment as solveable and workable parts of ourselves that we can work through with our partners. Instead of boxing ourselves into these broken boxes and limiting our traits, it shows that these insecure traits are very human and understandable. The “conversations” that we need to embrace are all insights into different conflicts that arise when we aren’t attuned and understanding of each other.

Demon Dialogues

Sue coins the term “Demon Dialogues” as the base where arguments start between partners. They are split into 3 categories: “Finding the Bad Guy”, “Protest Polka”, and “Freeze and Flee”. These classifications are different combinations of couples attacking and withdrawing from each other, with the Protest Polka being very similar to aspects of the Anxious-Avoidant dance. The book brings a lot of humanity to behaviors that are typically Avoidant and that can feel hard to understand initially. With Avoidant behavior such as just withdrawing or running away from issues, Sue goes through the feelings and thoughts of the partners withdrawing to show that many of us are just trying the best we can to not be hurt. These partners struggle with the regulation of emotions just as much as the Anxious partners in a relationship.

Some behaviors that feel massive and suffocating in the moment are actually common responses to our attachment wounds. While reading through this section a lot of common pains like feeling judged, thinking you are failing your partner or using rational problem solving to solve emotional issues resonate with me all too well. When we’re in our lizard brained mode though, this can be much harder to recognize than one may think. I think something to keep in mind is that we are not broken for being a bit Anxious or Avoidant and that we are not alone when we feel insecure.

Having more empathy

It can be really hard when we are hurt to understand when a partner whose attachment responses are different to our own. The conversations of Finding the Raw Spots and Revisting Rocky Moments encourages the reader to try to understand how our partner feels even when it doesn’t make sense to us. Of course this doesn’t always work, but some of the sessions brought up in the book really show that being able to attune and be willing to listen to our partners can uncover feelings that are buried deep below the surface.

”Stepping aside from our usual ways of protecting ourselves and acknowledging our deepest needs can be hard, even painful. The reason for tacking the risk is simple. If we don’t learn to let our partner really see our attachment needs in an open, authentic way, the chances of getting these needs met are miniscule.”

Hold Me Tight

We are all going to hurt each other at some point, but having the strength to forgive and learn how to love our partners the way they need could make a world of difference. Holding our partner tight and the rest of the conversations give us small but meaningful tools to be able to repair and rebuild love through our pains. Thinking about love as not some stationary objective point that is achieved, but as a living and breathing state that needs to be maintained can be overwhelming. Over time we are going to have to keep fighting, forgiving and healing with each other, but maybe the happiness that comes out of it is all worth it in the end. There is something romantic and hopeful about a story where two people choose to fall in love again and again.

”In relationships there is no simple cause and effect, no straight lines, only circles that partners create together. We pull each other into loops and spirals of connection and disconnection.”

Final Thoughts

Our pains and traumas being complicated is an understatement. We can leave our partners feeling alone and hurt when we are just trying to protect ourselves. Sometimes being accepted in our entirety, with all our flaws and pain, can be that connection everyone yearns for. By paying attention to ourselves and being able to authentically show up in our relationships we can build little meaningful moments that can last forever. All my take aways from this book have me feeling like a cheesy inspirational quote app, but maybe a little more empathy is nothing to be ashamed of.